How to use your Story-of-Self to have a successful "Courageous Conversation"
Whether you feel like you're ready or not, we're here to help you have a successful "Courageous Conversation." Our advice will help you formulate a powerful "story-of-self" and start and conduct successfully what can be a difficult conversation. By using your unique "story-of-self" you will connect with and start changing the mind of a family member or friend that is not fully supportive of marriage equality. Scroll down for advice on where and when to have your "Courageous Conversation" and suggestions on how to best engage with the friend or family member with which you are speaking.
The nuts and bolts of formulating a Story-of-Self:
A Story-of-Self is your own personal narrative of why you feel called to support marriage equality. It is a short (2-3 minute) but powerful story designed to start a conversation that, ultimately, can change someone's mind.
Telling your Story-of-Self is important because people are hard-wired to learn via stories -- not through arguments, or data, or statistics. People listen and respond to stories because it reveals to them how they might navigate through an uncertain world. Storytelling is the way to communicate your experience in a way that connects with other people. The challenges you faced and the choices you made will emotionally resonate with others and reveal the underlying values we all share.
People are moved by feeling these shared values, by discovering these connections among people and circumstances and are motivated to act. People are motivated to act based on their values. And the way we understand and experience our values is through emotion. Emotions inform us of what we value in ourselves, in others, and in the world.
Storytelling is a means of communicating your experience in a way people can personally respond to -- by connecting with their emotions and their own experiences.
A Story-of-Self tells why we have come to believe in marriage equality. The key focus is on choice points; moments in our lives when our values are formed; when we have to choose in the face of great uncertainty. For example, precisely when did you first care about being heard, about supporting marriage equality? When did you feel you had to talk to your friend or family member about it? Why did you feel you could? What were the circumstances? What were the challenges? Who were the people involved? What were their names and how did you know them?
Think through your personal story of why you felt moved to support equality before having your "Courageous Conversation". Sometimes it can be useful to write it down to get your thoughts, narrative and structure in order. Don't be afraid to ask for feedback on your Story-of-Self from those closest from you before you begin your "Courageous Conversation."
How to have a successful Courageous Conversation:
- Start with a friend or family member that you believe is most open to listening.
- Find a one-on-one opportunity when they aren't distracted by the kids or the meal preparation or something else.
- Unless you are particularly brave, the dinner table may not be the best place to start.
- Make your goal that the conversation go well, not that you have to win them over immediately. That would be great if it happened, but the core goal is to begin a dialogue that your family member or friend will stay genuinely open to across time.
- Make sure you check in with yourself before speaking. If you are calm and grounded, go for it. If you are on edge or have had one too many eggnogs, pause and consider before beginning. More than anything, you need to feel grounded and open to listening as well.
- Start slowly and look for areas of agreement that you can build on.
- Stay away from harsh debate. When debating people typically are not open to their softer, more empathic feelings and that is where they and you are most able to listen and be sincerely influenced.
- Use examples of ways you have changed your mind about something that was difficult for you to understand or "get". This also keeps you in touch by remembering something that was hard for you to change your opinion or feelings about. Your goal is to build genuine dialogue.
- Use connecting language like, "how do you see it," "this can be a difficult issue because it seems like such a big change," "help me understand your concern."
- Check in with yourself and if you are starting to get revved up, take some slow and deep breaths. If you are too worked up, it is time to shift the conversation.
- Thank them for the conversation, irrespective of the outcome. Once again, the goal is to start a dialogue that has the longer term goal of changing hearts and minds.
- Debrief your experience with other friends who joined you in having a "Courageous Conversation" so you can compare notes and look for ways to continue to build your skills.
- Print these guidelines and review both your Story-of-Self and the conversation tips before starting if you can. That will help to fortify your courage and to remind you of both the specifics of your story and the goal of building genuine dialogue.
Report back:
Please share with us how your "Courageous Conversation" went, no matter the outcome. Click here to share what happened during your conversation and if you feel moved, please include your own "Story-of-Self" that you used during your conversation. There are options for both submitting it in written form and on YouTube.